I received a call today that I have been anticipating, occasionally impatiently, for some time. My divorce papers have been prepared and, sometime this afternoon, I will be served. Someone will come to my house, along with a witness, to personally hand me a bundle of papers stating that the process of ending my marriage has formally begun. If I do not contest (which I will not) or complicate matters (ditto), the divorce will be finalized as soon as we've officially been separated for a year. Sometime between early July and mid-August, I'll receive some more papers, stating that my marriage has been completely dissolved.
This sounds very boring and official and bureaucratic, and it is. It's also a miserable process. No matter how much I want this over and I know that ending my marriage is right, it still feels awful.
There is a melting feeling in my stomach. This is final. It's very much the end of something. It is time to let that other way of living go. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit I have had occasional fantasies of reconciliation. I have been lonely. I have questioned. But now that is happening and I feel so certain that it is right, I have to let that go. No more balancing between the old life and the new. Just being. Present. Here.
I am getting served today. I am getting a bundle of papers that represent the end of another life. What happens now? Do I return to a maiden state? Am I free? Am I tethered? What will I look like now?
Labels: Le Divorce