Natalie Zed: Defying Gravity

Friday, October 13, 2006

Why our future offspring are already doomed

First, a shout-out to Tiffany over at One Red Sock: the hats arrived today. They are PERFECT. Thank you so much for the skill and effort you put in to them. You are a goddess. It was so exciting to get them. J said they might use them as part of their halloween costumes. Send me an email (I don't have your address) so I can send you pictures of the babies all veggie'd up.

Which bring me to my point of the day: I have been exposed to, and thinking a lot about, babies lately. Two of the most adorable babies on earth live right upstairs from me. Several members of the department are sporting bumps and due dates. Jessica is both expecting and has a toddler; a double whammy. So many of our friends back home have littles ones already running around or on the way, and all of them are beautiful. Henry and Romina's baby is WALKING (which I can barely believe), and you need to see the CHEEKS on Erin and Nick's little guy. There should be some kind of CHEEK WARNING/ ALERT LEVEL designed just for him. I want to dust him with powdered sugar and eat him.

See? You see what all you people are doing to me? I am a hip young person. Well, okay, I am not hip or cool in any way. But I was at leats hoping for a few more years before my ovaries dropkicked me in the brain. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.

So, while there is definitely nothing in the works and my uterus remains tenant-free for the time being, Ed and I have definitely started talking about babies. We disagree on names ( I like Tallulah, Annika and Sophia for a girl, whereas Ed is more partial to classics like Jane. I love the name Will for a boy, whereas he isn't that fond of it. We both like Eleanor, though.) and whereas I currently view babies as little bundles of wonder, cement rubber and farts, he still regards them as strange and delicate mechanical devices that are very difficult to troubleshoot. Also, they squirm.

But we've been talking, and over the course of the reproduction-related discussions we've had up to this point, I have come to one overarching conclusion: our kids are doomed.

There are two main contributing factors to this predetermined fate: their parents. Through a combination of genetic predisposition and the environment they'll be raised in, there are very little hope for our little Schmutzes. Or maybe little hope for their rst of the world. Either way, cute, cute doom.
Natalie Zed updated @ 10:22 a.m.!! 0 comments

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

one of THOSE

I just punked this from Canadian Knight and thought it'd give it a whirl.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
My credit card bill. I use it for almost everything (ostensibly to save transaction fees), and the monthly total always kills me a little.

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Hy's Steakhouse. There is no way that much red meat won't put you in the warmest and fuzziest of moods.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
at Jill and Paul's place, celebrating Paul's birthday. Who knew a combination of gin and tonic, Sambuca, a shot of JD, and a few chugs of Jaggermeister would go so poorly? Oh, that's right. ANYONE WHO WAS NOT SO DRUNK that they told theis HUSBAND his MOLECULES WERE PRETTY.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I ahve never done this. I don't really dig bars, and I don't really drunk-dance. I have drunk-PHILOSOPHIZED and drunk-DECONSTRUCTED more times than I really want to talk about, though.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
I have deliberately blocked out the memories of the majority of my grade school experiences in order to cope with the trauma. As far as I am concerned, after a brief grub stage I developed inside a chrysalis for 8 years and suddenly emerged a 13-year-old -- WHOSE BODY I STILL HAVE.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting in my pajamas with a cup of tea while blogging. Which I am doing. Heh.

7. What did you want to do growing up?
A medical doctor. As my unhealthy addiction to the surgery channel will attest, I haven't entirely grown out of this. I'd also like to be a university professor and a chef.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two -- University of Windsor and the University of Calgary.

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
I am currently wearing pink thermal pajamas with snowmen and penguins on them.

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
I don't drive, so I feel only mild irritation rather than homicidal rage.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you...
I would take Ed with me to Japan. We would drown in the complete nerdery, the epicentre of geekdom available to us. Gennie and I would move to Southern France and see lavendar together. Emily and I would go to New York. Tara and I would live on the beach in Mexico.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
What does the toaster want?

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Ed is going to be such a cute old man as his forehead wrinkles continue to deepen.

14. Favourite style of underwear?
the comfy kind. I am really fond of the cotton boycut -- no picky elastic. I like Pelli bikiki cut too.

15. Favourite style of underwear for the opposite/same sex?
boxier briefs.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Washing dishes, cleaning the littler box, and transfering the garbage from the inside of the house to the back alley (gathering the garbage, emptying all the cans into a big bag, and placing it by the door is, oddly, no problem). These are Ed's Three Household Duties.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
Sure. Though I'd probably volunteer with an animal rescue agency first, followed by a literacy program.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
While each minute of sleep is delicious to me, like a sweet seedless grape. I love feeling productive early in the morning.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Hooboy. Babs Bunny, Samurai Jack, Ed from Cowboy Bebop, Rei from Evangelion, Earthworm Jim (there was a cartoon), Rita (of Rita and Runt), Mireille and Kirika from Noir, Harley Quinn...

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Play video games. Boys are hilarious to kill things or race with.

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
I one day intend to completely do away with this traditional family unit thing and begin a artists' compound/group marriage. We're all going to buy a big house out in the country and roam free. I can be chef. =)

22. Favorite lunch meat?
I do not believe in meats that are specifically of the processed 'luncg' variety. I do like making sandwiches out of turkey and ham.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
First, I swear to myself I am only spending x amount of money. I will not be SUCKED IN to the VORTEX OF BARGAINS. I invariably purchase a load of meat (chicken breast, pork tenderloin, ground beef, maybe some lamb) for the freezer, a case of water, and organic tomato sauce in bulk. Somehow, despite limits and lists and being strict with myself, I always spend exactly wtice what I intended to.

26. Beach or lake?
Beach, beacuase where there is beach and no lake their is ocean.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
I wonder what the author of this meme thinks.

I think that marriage, the institution it has become and all the sludge and patriarchy and bullshit now associated with it, is a flawed and outdated idea. I think the ideas behind marriage, (committing to another person, becoming a unit, being in love) are good ones and still very valid. I think the idea of man-and-woman-buy-house-have-kids-and-career definition is far too narrow. Two (or more) people of any sex and orientation joining forces to be happier, make life easier, and support each other? Hell yes.

28. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
je ne 'myspace' pas.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Food. I love food.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I love both Tank Girl and Howard the Duck. I know they're both terrible. I still love them.

31. What's your drink?
Sometime over the past year it has shifted from the humble screwdriver to rye and coke. I also facy a nice g&t now and again.

33. Cops or Robbers?

34. Do you cheer for the bad guy?
Every time. I remember being five and crying when Peter Pan beat Captain Hook.

35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?
I don't really look much like anyone. I ran the FaceRecognition program on MyHeritage five times with different photos and it came up with nothing each time.

36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of "Lost" would you be?
I...really don't watch Lost.

37. What do you want when you are sick?
Footrubs, warmth, and hot water with honey and lemon.

38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
I'd like to know how Shaun is doing. It's been over five years now.

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
All the radio in Calgary is horrible. We listen to CDs.

42. Norm or Cliff?
I ahve seen exactly one episode of cheers, and only because Ed made me.

43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
The Simpsons.

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
No big ones; lots of little ones. Not being able to let go.

45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
There is no sitting where I work. and I love all my coworkers. Even when they steal my saran wrap.

46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
I wouldn't. I save all my homicidal anger for fictional characters.

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Neil Gaiman. I have such a girl crush on his words and sunglasses.

48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Sean Connery, circa James Bond. Asshole aside, the man has a voice.

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No. I did put out a flaming pie pan out in the shower once.

50. Last book you read?
I just finished a reread through all of Transmetropolitan, and I also just read Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
Yes. Her fur is the same colour as my hair.

52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I often brush my teeth on airplanes -- or at least I DID before we couldn't take anything LIQUID, PASTE, or GEL on board,w hich really put a cramp in my high-altitude hygeine. did you know a pudding cup is not allowed?

53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
I'd like to spend some time in San Francisco.

54. Number of texts in a day?
Have you seen my cellphone? it couldn't be more outdated if it was made out of wood.

55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
I am always starting a new carreer. I have several careers on the go at any time. =)

56. Do you go to church?
It's been a while since I attended regularly.

57. Pencil or pen?
fountain pen.

59. How many jobs have you had?
I've been a babysitter, muralist, bank teller, research assistant, editor, plant tender, tutor, lecturer, and now a cheesemonger.

60. What do you want to achieve in life?
I'd like to have a great time. I want to write and have wonderful friends and be a good partner to my husband.
Natalie Zed updated @ 10:51 a.m.!! 6 comments