Natalie Zed: Defying Gravity

Friday, September 28, 2007

A few reasons my future children will hate me

For writing books their friends' parents call obscene, for never keeping ordinary hours, for having friends and students and visiting writers coming and going at all hours, for going to battle with teachers and principals, for going crazy now and again, for refusing to purchase Lunchables, for my clothes, for my pink or green or blue hair, for my tattoos, for not being bland, for not being serene, for traveling all the time, for correcting their spelling or grammar or pronunciation, for supplementing their insufficient curriculae, for terrorizing the PTA, for the books on every wall, for knowing their secrets, for never relaxing, for making things up, for knowing things, for their vocabulary, for all the second hand clothing, for painting murals in their bedrooms, for cooking, for questioning everything, for their teachers expecting more form them, for never letting them off easy, for wearing sandals and combat boots, for singing, for drinking, for critically thinking, for screaming at the television, for all the aunts and uncles that aren't related to them at all, for refusing to tow the line, for having my won space, for making my own rules, for locking my doors, for locking my closets, for refusing to compromise, for being immune to whining, for not caring about popularity (mine or theirs), for making their friends' mothers cry, for making their friends' mothers furious, for getting along with their friends' fathers, for fixing things rather than buying new ones, for refusing to be thin, for calling them on their bullshit, for calling their friends' parents bullshit, for calling their school's bullshit, for bringing up pedagogy at parent-teacher interviews, for being tactless, for being sarcastic, for being crude when it gets
my point across, for refusing to be prudish, for making fun of everyone, for making light of tragedy, for taking strange things very seriously, for adopting stray animals, for healing baby birds, for taking in kids who are going through a rough time, for having an open door, for having an open kitchen, for flatly refusing to get out of bed, for making them give everything a fair shot before they're allowed to quit, for laughing at things they don't understand and refusing to explain, for bursting into tears and refusing to explain, for kissing their father in front of them, for grabbing their father's ass in from of the, for calling their father a jackass, for breaking dishes,
for buying cheap dishes at yard sales for the express purpose of breaking them to relieve stress, for taking them to museums and galleries, for taking them to endless readings, for their names in print, for being militant about personal hygiene, for being crazy about food safety and cleanliness, for not giving a hoot about how anything looks, for buying thing for myself form their book fair, for wearing costumes on Halloween, for talking dirty in public, for making them eat vegetables, for rarely buying candy, for reading food labels, for caring about chickens, for telling disgusting stories at dinner time, for singing the "wake up song," for kissing them, for snorgling them, for embarrassing them at the supermarket, for embarrassing them at school, for leaving the lights on, for not being able to drive, for baking rather than buying, for the other mothers' resentment, for the friends I cost them because the other mother's won't let their kids play with my kids, for never taking them to McDonald's, for always running in to get a coffee, for giving them cucumbers as a snack, for telling dildo jokes at their Play Group, for rolling my eyes, for yelling at parents who mistreat their kids, for yelling at people who mistreat their animals, for never minding my own business, for marshaling the troops to rescue a friend, for missing a recital and not being able to explain why, for migraines, for finding me asleep in the bathtub, for finding me asleep on the couch, for finding me asleep in the middle of the kitchen floor, for working sporadically, for never having a normal job, for not being a housewife, for getting excited about small and stupid things, for never leaving well enough alone, for spontaneously painting the walls, for buying girls cars and action figures, for buying boys dolls, for teaching their friends about heteronormativity, for being a klutz, for not being pretty, for not wearing make-up, for taking risks, for not being able to sneeze properly, for overhearing me and their father having sex, for overhearing their friends' parents speculate about what goes on in my house, for weeping, for singing, for disappearing for hours at a time, for being fiercely protective, for being fiercely loyal, for being stubborn, for never getting a manicure, for using bad words, for calling their teacher stupid, for laughing at them when then get in trouble for repeating that I called their teacher stupid, for tidying their stuff away, for arguing, for arguing well, for wearing their younger sibling in a sling, for finding the righteous indignation of those around me hilarious, for losing my shit, for loving them openly, for wearing offensive t-shirts, for asking perfume-sprayers in department stores if they received any training about migraine triggers, asking waitresses if they feel their youth and sexuality are being exploited, for challenging the patriarchy, for racing shopping carts in the aisles of the grocery store, for making them responsible for their own actions, for making them face the consequences, for making them self-sufficient, for still crying when they seem grown up, for sending them to bed when we';re still up and having fun, for sending them to bed so I can work, for sending them to bed because mom and dad need to settle some shit, for giving up nothing, for giving everything, for making them gifts, for resisting commercial holidays, for kicking them off the computer so I can work, for kicking them off the video game console because it's my turn, for making them look things up, for not doing it for them, for encouraging them to be better than me, for refusing to accept 'good enough,' for freezing fruit juice instead of buying Popsicles, for staying up all night and then sleeping all afternoon so when they come home from school (after letting themselves in with their own key) they make their own snack and start to watch cartoons which finally wake me up so I shuffle out of the bedroom swearing and tell them its pizza night because mommy hates everyone and they'd better get their father on the phone and tell him if he doesn't show up with a Blizzard in one hand and a bottle of JD in the other he's not allowed in the house.

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Natalie Zed updated @ 2:34 PM!!