Natalie Zed: Defying Gravity

Monday, March 26, 2007

Riding in Cars with Asses

I was stopped at a crosswalk, on my way to work, when a black Hummer H3 pulled up next to me. The guy driving this land-tank had his window rolled down. He was in his late twenties, maybe thirty, quite good looking, with a pair of sunglasses perched in his head that probably cost more than everything I was wearing combined and multiplied. I struggled to keep from smirking. He might be a perfectly nice human being, I thought.

He caught sight of me and grinned. His teeth were perfect and white. He leaned out the open window.

"Where are you going baby?"

"Um. To work."

"Maybe we could do something later."

I stared. Full seconds later I realized I was being hit on. By then, his light was green. He waved his hand dismissively and roared through the intersection. I started to laugh.

I was still laughing when I got to work.

"What's so funny?" Polly asked.

I told them about the Hummer and its occupant. "Then he tried to hit on me. I felt really bad for him."

"You don't strike me a a Hummer girl," Hawk said, tying up his apron.

"You think? I try to be obvious. I wear recycled clothes, burgundy combat boots, and my hair things it's a sea anemone. My glasses are the dorkiest available. You think he'd pick up on the fact that I might not be his type."

Moments later, a woman came in. Her hair was artificially blond and elaborately swept up. She had on heavy makeup and the orange skintone of a Mystic Tanner. She was very thin and had breasts like halves of a cantaloupe, which I could clearly see because if her shirt was any more low cut her belly button would have been visible. Her jeans were about an expensive as the Hummer driver's sunglasses, and she tottered around on 4-inch spiked heels. Her purse was huge -- she seemed in danger of tipping over under the burden -- and contained many smaller, sub-purses. She talked on her cell (a razor) the whole time we served her, just pointing to what she wanted and gesturing to indicate how much. After I rang her purchases through, she grabbed the bag and almost ran out of the store, announcing loudly that she had a Very Important Meeting to get to.

I felt a little dazed after she left. Then I started to giggle.

"Hummer guy was just confused. I think that was the woman he was looking for."

Hawk tried to look wistful. "I hope they find each other."

"They better find each other soon. She looked like a carrot. That's gotten get malignant after a while."

Polly sauntered over. "Is the any circumstance under which you'd think a Hummer was cool?"

"None," I said.

"Maybe," said Hawk.


"If if was the size of a golf cart."

"Dude! It could be a cross between a Mini Cooper and a Hummer."


"It'd have to be a hybrid."

"For sure. They'd have to call it the H .5"

"If some guy hit of me while driving that, I'd totally tell him we should get together and play video games later."

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Natalie Zed updated @ 10:44 a.m.!!