Natalie Zed: Defying Gravity

Monday, July 24, 2006

I Have Some Questions

Another potential title for this post could be: Why I Should Not Be Left To My Own Devices in Safeway.

While on a quest for sandwich bread, oil for a squeaky hinge, and terrible jarred salsa for Ed, I began noticing various products. Specifically, products I never buy. I am always mystified by how many things there are displayed that I would not even consider purchasing for the most fleeting of moments. Where are the people who buy them? Can their really be such demand for these products that it's actually worth it to PRODUCE and SELL them?

Par example:

Cheese Whiz. Alright. Honestly. People PURCHASE and CONSUME cheese whiz? in this day and age? This is one of those products that never appeared in my house growing up, that I don't think have ever even tried (consciously). Every jar seems like a relic from the fifties, that mythical time when anything could be tipped into a mold with some gelatin and called a "salad." I expect to find dust on every jar I see. The presence of Cheese Whiz in a postmodern world is mystifying to me.

95% of all Air Fresheners. I am completely behind having some sort of deodorizing spray in the bathroom. Lord knows it has saved my life on more than one occasion. Being a cat owner, I am also a fan of the occaisional spritz of Febreeze. But all the little smelly plugins and independantly powered fans that blow rose-stink throughout the house? All the vaguely ass-and-citrus scented aerosoles? Do we really need these things in every room of the house? I clean. I swiffer my floors regularly and keep all my surfaces sanitized, and the garbage gets taken out as soon as the bag is full. That seems to do the trick. Covering up filth with "Jasmine Wisteria Spring Breeze" gives me the jibblies.

Baffling Pickled Vegetables. I can't really say I've ever had a craving for pickled asparagus. fresh grilled asparagus with a spritz of lemon juice or some coarse salt and olive oil, but never limp, pickled asparagus in urine-yellow brine. Yet the shelves are regullarly stocked with such dubious vegetables.

Horrifying Frozen Meals. Every once in a while, when we were kids, my mom would have to work late, or go shopping in the states (usually at Pace. Remember Pace?), or take my Mima out to see a movie. On these nights, my dad would invariably give us either a dinner my mom had prepared for us in advance or, rarely, as a very special treat, a Swanson TV dinner. With the bizarre little brownieoid that would bake before your eyes in the microwave. I can, in some fashion, understand the existence of microwave dinners in such a capacity. I can't, for the life of me, even begin to understand the Hungry Man XXL dinner with riblets, beer battered chicken, and cheese fries. FROZEN CHEESE FRIES. When the great Cthulu comes and eats everything, I am certain he'll be leaving the FROZEN CHEESE FRIES behind.

And, finally:

Vegemite. It's like a joke food that you can get inte the supermarket. It should be in a special aisle along with little cakes that look like dog turds and super hot chilli pepper mints to surprise your friends and spite your enemies! Vegemite shouldn't be sold at Safeway. It should be sold at county fairs and travelling sideshows. Vegemite shouldn't be eaten; you should travel to see it and pay two bits a gander to satisfy your curiosity. Vegemite deserves its own BARKER.

One food I do admit to missing: aerosol cheese. There's nothing quite like carrying atrusty container of spray cheese with you wherever you go, and brightening an otehrwise cloudy day with bright orange, plasticy goodness.
Natalie Zed updated @ 6:24 p.m.!!