Natalie Zed: Defying Gravity

Saturday, November 26, 2005

I'm super, thanks for asking

I have a theory. about superheroes. I know. But, really, what did you expect?

I think everyone is actually a superhero. Not in the DarkWing Duck, planet-of-the-superheroes kind of way where eveyone on earth has to save the one normal guy. I think everyone is a superhero in some minor way, that their skills (mutation or alien or radiation or whatever) manifest in ordinary, helpful ways that don't seem spectacular but nonetheless set people apart from their fellow supers.

Here are my super powers:

1. I can make good pastry dough every time I try. Every cook book I look in, when is comes to making pastry, goes trhouigh pages of reassurances and careful, meticulous instructions, then then lists a bajillion remedies for how to correct minor disasters when your pastry, inevitably it seems, splits or disintegrates or otherwise fails. It seems to be this mysterious, esoteric baking thing somehwat akin to alchemy. I have neverm ever had a patry or crust fail. I've been able to do this since I was about eight -- when I first started cooking on my own a little. Sometimes, I don't even shill my crust, or use very cold water (cool, sure, but not ice) -- and it works.

2. I have a superhuman sense of smell. Quite possibly the most useless sense to have magnified, and makes me clean my little apartment obsessively, as the slightest whiff of something will drive me nuts if I don't sanitize it into oblivion. I can tell how people are feeling, what they've eaten recently, what their emotional state is, and likely what soap, laundry detergent, and fabric softener they use as soon as I'm within a few feet. Perfume and heavy air fresheners are the bane of my existence -- you may as well shove a flame thrower up my nose. Polluted air is an agony. But I may have saved lives -- I will actually clean out other people's refridgerators as soon as I detect something horribly, horribly wrong.

3. I am lucky. Tara affectionately tells me I have a golden horseshoe up my ass. I win on scratch lottery tickets and slot machines, the pull tab tickets at safeway and door prize draws. Cars miss by inches; big creepy men lurking in alleys change their mind; I am in the right place at the right time by listening to the right impusle or sheer coincidence. It has kept me alive, and made me relatively comfortable indifficult times. It makes me a little -- not cocky, but just sure everything will work out. Like moving out here penniless. I'd find money somewhere -- and I did. I don't worry very much. Things will turn out all right.

What are your super powers?
Natalie Zed updated @ 1:30 p.m.!!